As Time Goes By

I do love re-reading old posts. My, how much has changed, and how much hasn't. My kids are all grown up now, my last baby getting ready to graduate high school and move on to college. Though I'm not entirely confident that he'll finish. If I judge by his two older brothers' track records, he might not last through his first semester. Of course, he has had the perspective of seeing the trials and tribulations of the older two, and his parents' reactions to them. While I believe it makes him a bit more perceptive, at least to the tension in the house, I wonder what kind of impact it has.

We never learn by osmosis, of course, and I am hoping that what he's seen doesn't create additional pressure on him to make the "right" decisions. We have learned along with our growing boys that we have to let them steer their course and maybe we let our own ambitions for them get in the way of that. It's very difficult to remove our frames of reference and understand that their childhood experience wasn't ours, so their life desires are influenced differently. Writing that down seems a bit ridiculous, and extremely surprising that it wasn't just inherently known. I mean, of course their experience is different and of course that will influence what they want from life, what success means to them, what will bring them happiness. It's easy to see that - now. But the everyday motion of guiding their futures didn't make that apparent, at least not for us. It's no wonder that the baby of the family is seen as the favorite, the one that gets away with murder, privy to the laissez-faire style parenting so typical of the position. As we witness all of the struggles and difficult decisions of young adulthood, boys finding their way, we begin to find fault in all that we did as parents, where we went wrong, what we could and maybe should have done better.

With this newfound realization, along with the feeling that we still don't know what would have been the best choices,we find ourselves hesitant to offer strict guidance, and even more hesitant to offer advice that teems with our hopes and dreams for his future, lest he feel pressured to follow it to please us instead of himself. We haven't pushed him to take a rigorous academic schedule so that he could have the best chances and best college options. We haven't even pushed him to attend - maybe he should take a gap year or maybe college isn't really for him. And maybe all of this is the wrong parenting still. We won't know until it has played out and possibly not until he is a parent himself. I hope that we are in the most difficult years, but I won't be too surprised if they aren't. Life just kind of works that way, doesn't it?

How long has it been?

Wow, this is definitely a blast from the past. I forgot I even had this site. It's been fun catching up with myself! I think I like the old me - not very much different from current me. I really shouldn't even say "old" me. It's been, what, 10 years since my last post? Yeah - definitely a much older me now. Time has been good to me, I must say. Lots of wonderful things have happened, along with life's cruel jokes. But, such is life, right? Take the good with the bad and appreciate every last drop. I think I'll try to do that, despite my pessimistic outlook.

Giving thanks...

Boy, these articles are coming full force for the upcoming holiday season. I did read one article that asked its readers to write down or think of 10 things s/he is thankful for each day. At first I thought, who has time to do that?? And then it hit me right on the back of the head....duh, that's the whole point. We are all so busy with everyday life that we really do forget to be grateful for the right things, and people, in our lives. I went to parent/teacher conferences last week, and I was just blown away by all of the wonderful things the teachers had to say about my kids. I literally cried when I got home and told my children how proud I was of them. But you know, I really should not have been surprised by the many compliments. I really do have great kids, but it just felt really good to know that I contributed to their greatness. We all come down hard on ourselves as parents, constantly wondering if we are doing right by our children, or if we are totally screwing them up! Anyway, so the greatest thing I have to be thankful for are my 3 great kids. They have issues like every other young one their age, but they're not juvenile delinquents; they're awesome athletes, they're extremely intelligent and well-mannered (straight from 6 teachers' mouths), and they're very sympathetic to others and have big hearts --- they're overall well-rounded and good people. Which brings me to the second thing I am thankful for, which is my spouse. I mean, he obviously had something to do with our kids' greatness (though I won't ever admit it!!) Let's see, that leaves me with 8 other things to be grateful for.....I'm grateful my husband doesn't have to be in Iraq fighting in the war, that I have the choice to work, that I have great employers, that I am needed by my family, that we're not hurting for wants, that we are healthy, that we support each other as a family, and that the Internet exists!! (couldn't be totally serious!) So I think it's a really good habit to think about all the positive things in our lives. It could always be worse, and that's not just a cliche, but definitely words to live by.

Marriage

Gosh, I have got to get used to writing at least every other day! Anyway, I want to talk about marriage today. Does anybody take this seriously anymore? I was talking to co-workers, and mentioned how I thought that society today really doesn't give marriage very much respect. Married people don't give marriage the respect it deserves. I mean, honestly, whatever happened to "til death do us part"? I know it may be idealistic to mean it when you say it, but we should all at least try to reach it. I know that there are some things that you can't work through, but to me, those are the most extreme cases where there is abuse involved, or where one partner is just absolutely unwilling to work it out. But if everybody would just do their best to hold to the values and vows of their marriage.....you know? I remember watching some documentaries of war-wounded veterans...particularly one young man who lost his leg, went through rehab, and went home. He had to use a wheelchair and had to rely on his wife for helping with most everyday tasks -- things that those of us with all of our limbs take for granted. Anyway, in one part where she expressed her feelings, she mentioned that he was the main caretaker of the family, and now that he's come home disabled, that she had to take over that role - no big deal, understandably stressful - but here is what shocked me. She said she didn't know how long her marriage would last like this. I mean, call me harsh and judgemental, but how selfish! That's what a partnership is; that's what a marriage is; and this is part of what you promised in front of god and family and friends - "in sickness and in health"......what happened to that? Can we just break promises because it gets too "hard"?? I say if a difficult situation that neither of you were in control of happens to rear its ugly head, that shouldn't change your love for that person, unless you weren't really in love with that person to begin with, in which case you should've never committed to marrying and spending the rest of your life with this person. We've gone from a society where divorce was never an option and looked down upon to the point that women would stay through all kinds of mistreatment, to present time "i love you, let's get married, wake up in the morning and oops!, who the hell are you, let's get an anullment!" And let me just say that I am not a religious person, and therefore don't hold to my beliefs for the sake of the bible or god. I hold to them because I believe that you shouldn't make promises and commitments affecting the rest of your life that you don't really intend to keep. Let's start taking our lives and the lives of those we love a little more seriously, with a lot more respect and dare I say, caution! Not taking marriage seriously doesn't just affect our lives, but the life of the other person believing the vows, the person we're saying them to, and in some cases, the lives born out of that union. I have total respect for people who honestly gave it their all, tried their hardest to make it work, but in the end, decided that it just wasn't going to more than those who feel butterflies, get married, and when the going gets tough, they run to the nearest law office or worst, into the nearest beauty or hunk that opens their arms (or whatever else)(and disappointingly, sometimes they aren't anywhere near beautiful or hunky!)

Change?

When did the login site change? I used to be able to log in with my google account, now it's called a beta account...wonder what the difference is?? Anyway, I think I am starting to feel older than I am. Change is no longer comfortable for me. The more things need to change, the more uncomfortable I feel. I mean, I move around a lot, and it is becoming, well, scary instead of exciting. Whenever there is a change at work, I'm like, WHY? Everything is working fine with the status quo. Why upgrade and have to learn a whole new program??? It always seems more complicated than it really is, and I know that in my head, but the rest of me just gets really nervous. I look at people like my Grandma and Mom, who still can't quite get the hang of email, and I am afraid of becoming that, but here I am at the crossroads, and I feel like I am losing the battle! It's a little unnerving, to say the least. I do like to learn, though, and I take all kinds of different classes to make myself more marketable and just to gain more knowledge, but when something changes, it just kind of freaks me out initially. It didn't used to be this way! I will try to figure it out, though, and try to get myself back to normal and accept change as a natural part of life and try to stop fearing it so much. I am sure I'll get to the bottom of it eventually (hopefully!).

Happy Day

I missed posting yesterday, but my day was just so full. I am having a pretty good day today, so no venting this time. I was in the dentist's office today and came across a magazine called Working Mothers. I'd never heard of it before, which is probably because I never stroll down the magazine aisle in stores. It was actually pretty interesting. The only problem is I didn't see very many articles for working class mothers. Pretty much every article dealt with problems for small business owners, those who telecommute, or who have very high profile jobs. In these cases, cost is not really an issue. I mean, one article was about daycare vs. nanny, with cost being the secondary issue. I am wondering if the working class of moms is really included in the "Should moms stay home with kids or find a career" debate? Well, I guess that might be a kind of "dumb" question since these moms don't really have a choice. I remember having a conversation with my sister-in-law, as well as some friends, about this. It feels like it's more difficult to choose since I do have a choice. I struggle with myself because I would love to have a career and be important in that aspect, but I don't think I want to risk the well-being of my children to do it, which I really feel I would be doing. Then again, I see all of these successful women seemingly balancing work and family life. Of course, when they are being interviewed for TV or magazines, we're not getting the full picture, we don't see their everyday life, and other family members may have different opinions on the subject. It would be interesting to see how successful their real lives are. You know, the decision would be so much easier if it wasn't a choice. When I had my first two kids, I had to work because we were young and poor! I never even thought about how not being with them was affecting them. They were kind of used to going to a babysitter every day and seeing their parents part-time. But then, with my third child, I was kind of forced to stay home. My husband's job relocated us, and I was 5 months pregnant - and it was quite obvious I was far along. I really didn't even try to find a job, thinking that no one would hire me at this point, and also feeling obligated to be fair to any company that would hire me by not applying 4 months before I was due! Anyway, we had to tighten up with finances and budget so that I could stay home. When he was born, we decided that me being home was not such a bad thing, and not really hurting us financially. We decided to make this permanent until he started school. In these past 5 years (my youngest just started kinder this year), I have really enjoyed being home with him and also for my older boys when they come home from school. I didn't realize how much I missed out on with my other two boys until I experienced being home with my youngest. At times, I feel really guilty about not giving them that same opportunity. I still remember my older sons asking me (when they were about 7 and 6) why I loved my youngest more than I loved them. I realized that my youngest and I had formed a much closer relationship because we spent all day together and that it was quite apparent to the other two. And I just felt so overwhelmingly guilty. I tried to get them to verbalize why they would say such a thing, and what was said basically proved my theory to be correct - that I had been able to forge a closer bond with the youngest because I was home all day. I have since tried my best to remedy this by spending some alone time with all of them, but deep down I still carry the guilt of never being able to do it all over. I know what's done is done and we can only move forward, but had I known then what I know now......you know the rest. Of course, with all that said, my two older boys aren't the worst for it. They are very well-adjusted, bright, and seem to be really happy with their lives thus far. So I guess I haven't done too bad a job, and maybe my decision to stay home came just in time. I can't be judgemental about other working moms that decide to do the opposite because I don't live in their shoes and maybe their decision to work is the best one for their families. And I think we should stop having such strong debates over this because I am very glad that at least a choice exists. There are some moms who really don't have a choice, and I'll bet some wish they did. And their kids turn out to be great people. I just wish we could have it all, I guess!

Tired of waiting?

Okay, my most recent experience for today is waiting in line to pick up my kindergartner. Is everyone really in that much of a hurry? So one mom decides that it's taking the staff too long to find the kids to get them in the cars ahead, so what does she do? Puts the car in park and gets out to find hers herself. And lo and behold, the cars in front of her are starting to move up. Meanwhile, I am stuck behind her trying to figure out if I should pull around or if she is on her way back. I don't get very long to make that decision because two other cars, who were not in the original line, mind you, pull around the entire line, see an open space, and pull in. Umm, hello, did you not see the long line of parents waiting to pick up their little one? I decide to pull out and go around the parked car just so no other cars can cut in. I make it up to the front and see the mom of the parked car barely going back and now rushing as she realizes how all the cars in line have now trapped her in. As I am waiting for them to get my son, another car pulls ahead of me, parks the car, and gets out to find his kid. Again, is everyone else behind you just in some random line because they like to wait? You would think they would at least rush out of the car and attempt to look like they are in a hurry. Nope, they just walk leisurely up to the entrance and kind of look around....no worries, there's no reason to hurry. I tell you it just drives me insane! There's a reason for the order....to prevent chaos, but some just believe they are too special for orders. Well, what if we all thought we were too special...what if we all tossed out all order...what if we all decided it's me or you?? It is just frustrating for those of us who understand the order and who follow it to keep order, not to make it easier for all you "special" people. For the record, these two parents were told the rules, and of course they nodded their heads - yeah, yeah - but they'll do it again. They already got away with it today. The staff should keep their faces in memory, so when they see them again, which you know they will, they can make these parents wait until every other child is picked up, and then they can get theirs. Since this is unlikely, I would settle for the parents being asked to move their car to the parking lot to park it or back to the end of the line.